someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
