Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
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i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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