I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
