i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
