Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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