You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
