the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Success! We fucked roommates!
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