I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
