FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Randomize
