I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
