I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.