I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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