respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Dating After Heartbreak
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage