His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
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They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
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I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.