If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
