I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
