I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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