It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
