just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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