Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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