She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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