when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I've blown a few things in my day
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Two words: blizzard sex
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
