I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
