What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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