TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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