I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
