an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
