dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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