My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
