She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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