She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
