i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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