Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Randomize
