I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize