It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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