Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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