I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
