The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
