we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
