my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
