i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
