You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
