If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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