I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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