Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
