Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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