I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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