the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
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Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
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I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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