You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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