You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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