Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Randomize
