How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
