Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
