My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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