so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
