Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
He called his prostate his "boner button".
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
