you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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