shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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