you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
