I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
