the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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