Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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